New Rock 933 - The Roscoe

The Roscoe

The Roscoe clan has been a fixture of music since the time of Louis XV. Progressing from baroque chamber music to balls out rock and roll, the Roscoe have prided themselves on their attention to detail as well as their desire to see strangers “shake they asses.” The four brothers that currently make up this band were reluctant, at first, to take up their father’s challenge of “being Rock Gods of the highest caliber.” John Roscoe worked as a lumberjack for seven years in the wilds of British Columbia, felling trees and romancing the local bear population. Currently still wanted by Canadian forestry officials for creating a horrific breed of manbears, John has embraced his musical heritage as the honey-voiced lead singer of the Roscoe. May God have mercy on his soul. James Roscoe, the “bad boy” of the group, was five years deep into his career as a killer for hire when John talked him into joining the group. A master of knives and poisons, James has slaughtered everything from a bus full of clowns (the St. Laughington’s Day Massacre) to a platoon of meth-addicted dwarves (The L’il Cannibal Posse). James has left smoking corpses on over five continents but is now happy to leave smoking guitar licks in the ears of his listeners. Still, if he shows up to your door unannounced, go ahead and make peace with your God. Neves Roscoe, the only Roscoe to be a professional jockey, still has a huge collection of medals and trophies amassed from his time riding his horse “Assmaster 2000” to victory in derbies throughout the U.S. Neves can still be seen sometimes at night, riding naked across the Carolina foothills, screaming profanities and lighting small children on fire. He invites fans of his blistering bass action to let him ride them…hard. Finally, Durden Roscoe’s shameful past need not be brought up in such a public forum. Anyone who has read a newspaper or watched the nightly news knows exactly what this sicko has been up to for the past few years. A team of biohazard agents with gallons of cleaning product and raw flame are still attempting to repair the damage Durden inflicted on the East St. Louis Catholic Girl’s School. The less said about Durden’s time at the Happy Fun Camp in Framingham, Massachusetts, the better for all involved. We would also be negligent not to mention the shocking horror Durden has been responsible for in his series of Chucky Cheese appearances throughout the Southeast. Let us all be thankful that this depraved soul has found that drumming like a man possessed by demons has helped him exorcise his own. In conclusion, when you buy a ticket to see the Roscoe live you are not only signing on for ass-kicking rock and roll delivered by four of the most talented musicians in the region, you are also preventing bear-rape, midget murder, naked horse riding and acts far too disgusting to mention here. Please, let yourself be rocked…for America.

Learn more about The Roscoe by clicking here.